Week 19: Christmas in Flux

As I mentioned in last week's posting, Christmas has always been a letdown for me, and this year was no exception. In fact, "abysmal" would not adequately describe it. I spent Christmas eve in the hospital--no joke. Immediately after lunch, I came down with the mother of all migraines. I've never had one before, and migraines don't run in my family. The doctors put an IV in my arm, and gave me a painkiller that knocked me out. (A enormous amount of gratitude go to N and M, who not only brought me to the hospital, they checked up on me every few hours. Thanks, ladies!) I missed the Christmas dinner that I helped plan, and completely missed Christmas with my sister and my Hanoi friends. I guess I'm smarting more from the bill than the actual migraine--the bill came to over 700 dollars--the most expensive headache I've ever had. Who knew that overactive electrical impulses would cost so much? Thank god I have insurance...

My friend N, upon reading my blog for the first time, asked me "why all the pessimism?" I must admit, the tone of the past few postings have been a bit disillusioned and gloomy, although I did not intentionally mean for it to be so. Things in my life right now are currently in flux--an experience akin to breaking out of a cramped cocoon of a past life. Like Sigmund Freud said, birth, as beautiful and as life-affirming as it is, is also a painful and traumatic experience, which is why humans enter this world crying. I guess the experience I am currently undergoing is apropos, as it is Christmas, a season of rebirth and renewal. New Years is coming up, and I will certainly think about a number of resolutions.

So to put it simply, I miss my mom and dad. I miss my close friends. I'm having a hard time being away from them at Christmas.

In light of N's question, I suppose this would be a good time to restate the "Modus Operandi" of the blog. As solipsistic as this may sound, I intended for this blog serves as a diary for me to document my thoughts. I wanted to document the experience of living abroad for an extended period of time--the exhilaration of learning a city intimately, the joy of making new friends, as well as disillusionments, frustrations, and anxieties that comes with such an experience. I never intended for this to be a travelogue in any way--I'm not interested in writing only the sights and sounds from point-of-view of a transient outsider.

So despite the fact that the Grinch (or rather, my misfiring synapses) stole my Christmas, I deeply hope that all my family and friends had a great Christmas, filled with loved ones, rest, laughter, warmth, great food and lots of tinsel. I love you all, and miss you so much. Merry Christmas!

Love Always,
Martina

Week 18: The Return of DJ Rice Cooker

For the past few months as a voyeuse/flaneuse in Hanoi, I've seen a lot of social phenomena, all of which will justify no small amount of cynicism. One in particular seems indicative of the rapid-change-without-internalization paradigm. I call it the "fat rich Hanoi kids" phenomena. Rich Hanoi households, believing that the dairy-rich western diet is the reason why Westerners are so tall, engorge their children on milk and dairy products (usually sugary -sweet flavored UHT milk). Their kids do not end up growing taller, but wider--a large number of children from well-to-do Hanoi families are obese. Milk and dairy have never been a staple of the Vietnamese diet (which accounts for why my parents hate pizza so much), and its seen as somewhat of a status symbol to be able to afford milk for your kids.

On another note, I think I just inherited a new kitty timeshare. My landlady just got a kitten for her daughter, who manhandles and (in my opinion) mistreats it. The kitten, wrenched away from its mom too early, spent the first week or so crying its eyes out. The little girl, believing that she's helping the kitten, held its head it her fist (kids have no idea how heavy-handed they can be) scrubbed a tissue over the kitten's hugely swollen eyes, much to my horror. The girl plays with the kitten like a rag doll, and ties it outside when she's at school or sleeping (its currently hovers around 55 degrees outside). Feeling terrible for the kitten, I asked the child if the kitty could stay with me during the day and at night--she could come and bring the kitten down whenever she wants. The girl reacted swiftly and violently, throwing a temper tantrum of epileptic proportions. She kept screaming, "Its my kitty!!! She's trying to take my kitty away!!!" After that episode died down, I waited a few weeks before bringing the kitty up anyway, and the child has since accepted that the kitty stays with me while she's at school and at night. Its kinda nice--I have a cat's love and company without all the expense and work. So does that mean that I am a "Woman with a Cat," complete with all the spinster-connotations that implies?

So I just had my first day at the archives. Nothing exciting to report--no lost documents, long-forgotten, rediscovered by me. Just poked around the card catalog a bit, got a feel for the place. I read the regulations, and wrote out the first request forms. I don't think I will have a chance to get real work done there until after New Years.

The next month is going to be a really busy one, I just realized. A bunch of my friends are coming (YAY!!!!) My college friend LK and her mom are flying in for New Years', my grad school friends SA and NM arrive in early January, and my friend G around the same time. I'm so glad to see my friends--I've missed them so much!

I received my Christmas present from Ruin today. It was the best present a music-obsessed fan could hope for--Ableton Live. Its a music production and DJ software, audio recording and sequencing tool--I am SO stoked! Its the software used by artists like Daft Punk, Underworld, Nine Inch Nails, Garbage, Interpol, and Sasha. Dave calls it "Instant Dissertation Killer." I call it "Sanity Savior." This kind of musical dabbling is exactly what I need to establish my mental comfort zone--its something completely different from my job, and fun too (and good for my liver, as no alcohol is involved). The program, I admit, is a bit too technical for me--but I'm up for a challenge. So to my friends--expect a bombardment of mixes hailing the return of DJ Rice Cooker. (DJ Rice Cooker was a pet name for me given by my college roommates when I burnt rice once while making dinner.)

Will write more later. Sleepy...must take nap. {Yawn}

Week 17: Transitions

My friends S and C left last week. They were two core members of our group of friends, and their departure left me missing them and feeling forlorn. (Have posted pictures of our last night as a group. Little did I know that in a week's time, my entire social world will be different.) In addition, I received an email from my advisor this week, informing me of his impending arrival. I mean, I knew he was coming for a long time now, but it always seemed like a phantasmagoric haze in the distant future. Now that he gave me a concrete date of arrival, alarm bells rang in my head. All these events triggered a reevaluation my past few months here in Hanoi.

I also didn't realize that Christmas was coming. For some reason, Christmas and New Years' have always been a letdown for me. I guess its all the hype--places too much pressure on people to enjoy the holidays. I mean, for weeks before, we are bombarded with SALES, SALES, SALES, reminding us of the impending holiday and the immediate need for consumption to adequately prepare for it. Don't get me wrong, as a cardcarrying member of the female gender, I enjoy shopping very much; I just don't like the social pressure to do so. New Years' is the same thing--too much pressure to have fun. "We're gonna have a wild time--we're gonna go out, gonna blow a lot of money, get pissed drunk, and dance our asses off!!!" It never works out that way. Some of the best times I've had were completely spontaneous--impromptu nights that start off with no expectations, no preconceived hopes of wild debaucherous fun.

So I am stressed out about all of this. I mean, if this all happened one at a time, I could handle it. However, all of this happened within the span of a week, and I feel (as N eloquently put it) like 8 trains are coming at me from all directions.

I feel a transition coming, hailing the end of an phase, of a distraction. Kat says that most people, on arrival in Vietnam, usually goes through a phase of intense partying, which was certainly the case for me. The novelty has worn off for me, ushering a bit of disillusionment, but most importantly a more internal need to do something more fulfilling with my remaining time. Sometimes I feel that my life here is happening so fast, its difficult to process everything. I can't believe that I've only been here about 4 months--it feels much longer than that. My god, it seems like a lifetime ago that I moved in, bought a motorbike, and began my dissertation. I suppose that's another inevitable thing in life other than death and taxes (thanks, Ben)--change. This transition marks the end of my "work hard, party hard" phase, and signals the beginning of a new one. So what does the future hold for me now? DETOX--lots of it, both mental and physical. Balance--a healthy lifestyle, disciplined mind, and positive outlook. Catharsis--the purging of negative influences, a reorientation of attitude.

This also marks a transition in my work as well. I am FINISHED with digitizing--all 224 issues of Ngay Nay. I must admit, the mindnumbing clerical work of digitizing had me falling out of love with my topic. I haven't felt joy and satisfaction in my work for so long, which is probably why I went out so much in the past few months--I was searching for distractions from my dissatisfying work life. But things are looking up--I start at the archives on Monday, and I feel refocused with a second wind. I started reading some of this stuff, and I feel much better now that the dusty cogs in my brain have started going clickety-clack again.

I spoke on the phone to my ex (now one of my closest friends) Ruin the other day. The lead vocalist and founding member of the up-and-coming electronic band Grayarea, I remembered when he used to work for the Evanston Chamber of Commerce, hating his job and dreaming of making music rather than going to shows and watch other people make music. He's now following his bliss, and the universe is rewarding him for it. He signed onto one of electronic music's biggest labels, and is preparing an album for release in Summer 2006. Ruin just got off his tour 4-month US/Canada tour, which he opened for Front 242, a legendary industrial band. His story is pretty inspiring, and reminds me that change in one's life can be for the better. Not to be a positivist in any stretch of the imagination, but its great to know that some people have the determination to make things happen for them, to take risks and difficulties.

Song currently playing on iPod: Pure (Ruin of Grayarea):

So what of regret?
It's a course that i'm intending to avoid
but not something i've faced yet
a hope
a cause
a plan
a fall
recall
last call
i slipped
i stopped
repel
as well
can't tell
i fell

Week 16: Torture, Temper, and Tunes

So I was babysitting One Dollar at Kat's house this week, and had the strange voyeuristic (dis)pleasure of watching him/her (gender-challenged cat, remember?) engage in the eternal cat and mouse chase. One Dollar, having captured the doomed mouse, proceeded to torture it for hours before finally killing it and eating it. (I believe the kitten eats its prey, as I haven't seen any bloody remnants of mouse around the house.) The shrieks of the mouse being tortured by One Dollar was deafening--I almost feel bad for the poor vermin. But then I think about how pests like that liquidated a third of Europe's population in the Middle Ages (Black Death, anyone?), I don't feel so bad. However, I do feel that One Dollar should keep its killing swift and merciful. After a stint of sadistic torture and killing that lasted for hours, One Dollar jumped on my lap to play the role of fluffy, cute, and lovable lap kitty. Funny how domestication works. (Have posted pictures of the cold-blooded butcher of rodents sleeping on my computer, as it is the only warm thing in the house nowadays.)

Funny thing happened the other day--got hit on at the library. I'm at the National Library everyday, but other than the people who work there, I know none of the patrons. Most of the time, I sit in the back, typing on my computer or digitizing pictures. I am completely in work mode--my library uniform consists of unenticing jeans, Berkeley hoodie, sneakers, ponytail, no makeup and glasses. I notice nobody, and I didn't think that anyone noticed me--until last week, when I was stopped by a man while leaving the library. It was 8 PM, and I was kicked out of my workspace as usual. An older Vietnamese man (late-thirties), stopped me on my motorbike and asked, "Excuse me, miss, but I have noticed you for a long time, and would really like to get to know you." At that moment, the Library Director's car came driving up and his chauffeur honked at me to move. (I am eternally grateful to him for that.) Excusing myself, I sped off, much relieved. While flattered, I really did not want to return his interest.

The following week, I was sitting across from another Vietnamese man, who passed me a note (Hello, are we in middle school?) . The note said in Vietnamese, "I don't mean to bother you, but my friend, who comes here often, REALLY wants to get to know you. He said he tried to talk to you in front of the library the other day. Here is his cell phone number." I read the note and handed it back to him, saying no thanks. He asks me, "Did you understand the note? Do you read Vietnamese?" That's when I got snappy--please, if you're trying to get on my good side for your friend, the last thing you should do is insult my intelligence. I replied, "I'm sorry, I read colonial-era newspapers, but I didn't understand your note. I am trying to work--please do not bother me about this anymore."

In retrospect, I am amazed at how quickly my temper flared. I think that after 4 months in Vietnam, I am less tolerant of people in general. I felt bad, but think that being away from my family and friends, combined with being in a new place, makes me edgy and sensitive. I am less likely now to chalk things up to cultural differences, and it seems that the small things bother me the most. I have no qualms now about mouthing off to people who cut in front of me in line (there is no line etiquette here), high-handed traffic cops, vendors who try to rip me off, and people who try to put women "in their place." Where was the Martina who passed out mismatched and crooked chopsticks in a James-Scott-esque form of passive resistance? (see Week 5.) And who has replaced her?

Saw Herbie Hancock play in Hanoi this week. The US Embassy invited Hancock, Wayne Shorter, and people from the Thelonious Monk Institute of Jazz to Vietnam to play to commemorate the 10th year anniversary of US-Vietnam normalization of relations. I don't know very much about Jazz, but I have heard of Herbie Hancock and Wayne Shorter, and I was not going to miss hearing them play. They were fantastic--instead of playing just the classics, they also played some experimental jazz. At one point during a song, Herbie Hancock started tapping on the strings and frame of his piano, using the piano as a percussion as well as a keyboard instrument. I wished that my piano teacher (I played for 8 years) had allowed me to learn a little jazz piano rather than strict classical. Ah, well....

Well, must get back to dissertating. (Even though its not a word, I kinda like it.) More next week...