Week 17: Transitions

My friends S and C left last week. They were two core members of our group of friends, and their departure left me missing them and feeling forlorn. (Have posted pictures of our last night as a group. Little did I know that in a week's time, my entire social world will be different.) In addition, I received an email from my advisor this week, informing me of his impending arrival. I mean, I knew he was coming for a long time now, but it always seemed like a phantasmagoric haze in the distant future. Now that he gave me a concrete date of arrival, alarm bells rang in my head. All these events triggered a reevaluation my past few months here in Hanoi.

I also didn't realize that Christmas was coming. For some reason, Christmas and New Years' have always been a letdown for me. I guess its all the hype--places too much pressure on people to enjoy the holidays. I mean, for weeks before, we are bombarded with SALES, SALES, SALES, reminding us of the impending holiday and the immediate need for consumption to adequately prepare for it. Don't get me wrong, as a cardcarrying member of the female gender, I enjoy shopping very much; I just don't like the social pressure to do so. New Years' is the same thing--too much pressure to have fun. "We're gonna have a wild time--we're gonna go out, gonna blow a lot of money, get pissed drunk, and dance our asses off!!!" It never works out that way. Some of the best times I've had were completely spontaneous--impromptu nights that start off with no expectations, no preconceived hopes of wild debaucherous fun.

So I am stressed out about all of this. I mean, if this all happened one at a time, I could handle it. However, all of this happened within the span of a week, and I feel (as N eloquently put it) like 8 trains are coming at me from all directions.

I feel a transition coming, hailing the end of an phase, of a distraction. Kat says that most people, on arrival in Vietnam, usually goes through a phase of intense partying, which was certainly the case for me. The novelty has worn off for me, ushering a bit of disillusionment, but most importantly a more internal need to do something more fulfilling with my remaining time. Sometimes I feel that my life here is happening so fast, its difficult to process everything. I can't believe that I've only been here about 4 months--it feels much longer than that. My god, it seems like a lifetime ago that I moved in, bought a motorbike, and began my dissertation. I suppose that's another inevitable thing in life other than death and taxes (thanks, Ben)--change. This transition marks the end of my "work hard, party hard" phase, and signals the beginning of a new one. So what does the future hold for me now? DETOX--lots of it, both mental and physical. Balance--a healthy lifestyle, disciplined mind, and positive outlook. Catharsis--the purging of negative influences, a reorientation of attitude.

This also marks a transition in my work as well. I am FINISHED with digitizing--all 224 issues of Ngay Nay. I must admit, the mindnumbing clerical work of digitizing had me falling out of love with my topic. I haven't felt joy and satisfaction in my work for so long, which is probably why I went out so much in the past few months--I was searching for distractions from my dissatisfying work life. But things are looking up--I start at the archives on Monday, and I feel refocused with a second wind. I started reading some of this stuff, and I feel much better now that the dusty cogs in my brain have started going clickety-clack again.

I spoke on the phone to my ex (now one of my closest friends) Ruin the other day. The lead vocalist and founding member of the up-and-coming electronic band Grayarea, I remembered when he used to work for the Evanston Chamber of Commerce, hating his job and dreaming of making music rather than going to shows and watch other people make music. He's now following his bliss, and the universe is rewarding him for it. He signed onto one of electronic music's biggest labels, and is preparing an album for release in Summer 2006. Ruin just got off his tour 4-month US/Canada tour, which he opened for Front 242, a legendary industrial band. His story is pretty inspiring, and reminds me that change in one's life can be for the better. Not to be a positivist in any stretch of the imagination, but its great to know that some people have the determination to make things happen for them, to take risks and difficulties.

Song currently playing on iPod: Pure (Ruin of Grayarea):

So what of regret?
It's a course that i'm intending to avoid
but not something i've faced yet
a hope
a cause
a plan
a fall
recall
last call
i slipped
i stopped
repel
as well
can't tell
i fell